21 Critical Life Lessons You Didn’t Learn in School
If someone doesn’t take us aside and teach us a few things (assuming we’d listen) before we graduate high school, we are doomed to learn life’s hardest lessons in the real world beyond the classroom.
With that in mind, here are 21 non-academic lessons every person should know before he or she graduates high school; if you graduated long ago (as I did), this list represents all the things you wish you had been taught, yet had to learn (or are still learning) on your own.
Love and Relationships
1. Choosing a Mate: Your ability to select a suitable spouse will greatly influence your financial and emotional wellbeing, yet parents and teachers seldom mention it. A few common sense guidelines: pick someone who’s a joy to be around and who makes you happy; know the person well; ensure compatibility beyond the physical because beauty and youth are fleeting, while the mind and heart endure.
2. Evaluating Relationships: Given the tremendous importance of relationships, it’s surprising we receive so little instruction on how to evaluate, prune, and nurture them. Start by asking yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up. Surrounding yourself with positive relationships is half the battle.
3. Conversation: Successful relationships require solid communication: use body language, appropriate tone of voice, and eye contact; be friendly and considerate of alternative viewpoints; persuade gently; listen, listen, listen.
4. Handling Difficult People: An essential life skill, handling difficult people can be taught, but seldom is. I’ve written about this before, and there are several good books on the subject, including Robert Bramson’s Coping with Difficult People.
5. Networking: Ask for business cards, maintain a Rolodex (electronic or otherwise), and stay in touch with people who respect you. Association breeds opportunity, personally and professionally.
6. Compassion: We are born egocentric, but by the time we graduate high school, we should be capable of understanding, appreciating, and sympathizing with others. Compassion helps us understand our place in the world and ensures we are emotionally well rounded.
7. Teamwork: Work environments have gravitated toward small teams. Sports, team projects, and group goals are great ways to learn teamwork, but are seldom adequate. Evaluate interpersonal skills regularly; correct as needed.
8. Giving: As a child, I always thought the expression “it’s better to give than to receive” was trite and silly. As an adult, I recognize the expression’s value. Having the capacity to give means you possess; having the will to give means you want to make a difference; having the desire to give means you care.
Money Management
9. The Material Myth: Pursuing happiness by acquiring material things (granite countertops, plasma televisions, designer clothing) is like jogging to the grocery store on your treadmill: it’s not going to happen.
10. Saving: Keep 3 to 6 months salary in an emergency fund, in case you lose your job; use online calculators to determine the proper amount to save for retirement; keep money on hand for unexpected expenses, such as car and home repair.
11. Debt: Financial gurus suggest that total debt, excluding first mortgage, should not exceed 20% of take-home pay. This includes car payments, home equity loans, second mortgages, credit card debt, and so forth. Upper income consumers may be able to handle higher debt loads due to greater expendable income, while lower income consumers may be wise to carry less. And my number one rule of debt: credit cards should never be used as supplemental income.
12. Frugality: Live below your means. Look for bargains. Shop at discount stores. Clearly delineate needs (transportation) from wants (a big SUV). Feel free to indulge occasionally, but mind the consequences.
13. Debtor Responsibility: I believe every person who borrows money has a social, moral, and ethical responsibility to make payments on time and in the correct amount for the duration of the contract. Generally speaking, the credit bureaus agree.
Career
14. Passion: School sharpens skills, but seldom taps into your most powerful reserve of all: Passion. If you want to be happy at the top of Maslow’s pyramid, find a job you love.
15. Practicality: While you’re chasing self-actualization, paying bills remains important. Independent research using the Occupational Outlook Handbook or other resources can help you figure out how to make a living in whatever industry inspires you.
16. Politics of Advancement: Advancement in the working world often depends as much upon interpersonal skills as it does upon job skills. Persuasion, argument, and expectation setting are crucial.
17. Entrepreneurial: Unless you’re related to business owners or have learned about business ownership on your own, there’s a good chance that owning a business seems puzzling, daunting, and overwhelming. The fact that young people in a capitalistic society aren’t given the basic tools of ownership is unfortunate. Find a mentor. Attend a workshop. Read.
Personal Success
18. Positive Thinking: Attitude determines altitude. If you believe you can do it, most of the time, you really can.
19. Personal Accountability: Most success boils down to perseverance, determination, tenacity, and other products of personal accountability.
20. Setting and Achieving Goals: Goal setting, research, planing, commitment, and hard work are all required to reach any big, life-altering objective. In other words, all the schooling in the world won’t help you reach your dreams if you don’t take time to determine what you want and how to obtain it.
21. Health: Throughout my life, I’ve noticed that no single thing does as much to improve my outlook as getting healthy. Eat nutritious meals in proper portions. Drink plenty of water. Try to get 30 minutes of aerobic exercise daily (or at least every other day). Get plenty of sleep. High school health classes teach these concepts, but seldom make the connection between health and the rest of life; the connection is real. And it’s huge.
So there you have it: 21 lessons you can’t (or generally don’t) learn in school.
These lessons are not intended to insult teachers or schools, or to suggest curriculum. They are merely thought starters; something to think about regarding lessons learned through painful experience.
Life is an exploration, and maybe certain lessons must be experienced to be understood. Yet I wonder how much pain we could prevent if we taught life’s important lessons to our young people instead of relying on the real world to teach them for us.
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- How to Disagree and Persuade without Offending
- Are You an American Zombie?
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- 8 Strategies for Parents to Help Children Improve in School
- How to Memorize Anything
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Friday, August 3rd, 2007 at 2:55 am under
Great article. I especially loved the section on Love and Relationships. So many years spent wandering the wilderness could’ve been avoided if we’d only been provided some guidance!
Keep up the great work. It’s informative and very inspiring.
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:28 amJohn
You never know, if we say these things long enough maybe, just maybe, they’ll change the schooling systems. Mmmm, then again…
I’m a big advocate of giving people the skills they need to succeed in life, so much so I created my own site to help people manage their goals.
Keep up the good work!
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:22 amJohn K: Thanks for your kind words. Yes, the love and relationship section is my favorite as well. We are given so little advice in this regard.
Sean: Good thoughts.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:32 amThere are more and broken homes, relationships and heartbroken people today than ever. I agree that communication, sharing, giving and trust are very important in relationships.
I also like the health section. Thanks for sharing.
August 4th, 2007 at 12:09 pmA good list, although I have to wonder how good a job schools would make of ‘teaching’ them… most are things you should either pick up from parents/role-models/friends, or are things that come with experience?
We had a ‘Personal & Social Education’ class at my school, that tried to teach use how to have relationships, be healthy, etc etc… but it was an abject failure, because it was completely the wrong environment.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:09 pmjessielim: Thanks for your thoughts.
Suzie: The classroom is ill-suited for some of these concepts, better for others; this was not a curriculum suggestion, although the money and career lessons could be taught.
Some people will learn these concepts only through painful experience, but I believe we can prevent needless suffering if we keep these and other lessons in mind as our young people learn and grow alongside us.
The key is repetition, multiple sources, and leadership by example.
Just seeing a list like this can be helpful for some people because it may bring to light areas of potential learning and growth; opportunities for independent study.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:37 pmFirst of all, great article john. I see you used my suggestion of the OOH for careers ;)
The problem I’ve always had, and have been struggling with, is passion vs. “practicality”. You may have a real talent and passion for something, but money is always going to be an issue. From what I’ve noticed, I have now committed to going into Computer Science because it fits one of my interests and I can make good money with it, and I can go from there and do music on the side.
My problem is know-how on how much money you need to be happy. I’ve seen multiple studies point to 40k yearly salary, but I’ve never lived on my own before, so I don’t know what it would be like to live on different salaries. It’s very frusterating since it seems like something I simply have to experience to figure out, and not something I can really prepare for, and just use the knowledge of others on the subject (i.e. having money is always a good thing, regardless of what you do).
Do you think you may have any suggestions on the subject? May even be worthy to write an article about living on certain salaries and what it’s like, if you know anyone who lives on those certain salaries you could find out what they own/where they live etc. and interview them. Just a thought.
August 6th, 2007 at 4:52 pmThanks for your thoughts, Chris. Yes, I actually think that’s a great idea for an article. It’s now officially in my idea file.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:22 pmReal and sensible. This is an awesome list.
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August 8th, 2007 at 3:17 pmThanks, You Mon Tsang!
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August 12th, 2007 at 3:35 pmIt’s a very good list. I think even telling people it wouldn’t save everyone. There are many people who like to prove solid reasoning is “wrong”. :-)
August 12th, 2007 at 11:27 pmGood point, Saskboy. I agree that it’s impossible to help everyone; I’m happy if I can help one person. If I can make a positive contribution to 1 person’s life with each of my articles, I’m a happy camper. :)
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August 15th, 2007 at 3:02 ami liked it quite a lot…to begin with..read it with my lil brother n discussed things as we read…great goin!!
August 17th, 2007 at 9:08 amGlad you enjoyed it, me. :)
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August 28th, 2007 at 10:01 pm“Debtor Responsibility: I believe every person who borrows money has a social, moral, and ethical responsibility to make payments on time and in the correct amount for the duration of the contract. Generally speaking, the credit bureaus agree.”
While I agree with your point, there is a larger issue at stake here: many creditors intentionally prey on people who are unlikely to have been able to learn how to handle debt. The Debt problem in this country is fed by greed on _both_ sides; that of ignorant consumers who are unaware of the true difficulties that being too deep in debt can wreak, and that of greedy credit card, loan, and other debt-offering organizations who fail to properly educate their lessees or debitors in debt management. In the latter case, while it would be nice if everyone were taught in school how to handle debit, the industry’s treatment of people after they get out of school is just as deplorable.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:06 pmOf course I agree with what you’ve said here, Donovan. And while it’s true that we may be able to affect social and institutional change, the only person we control completely (insomuch as we control anything completely) is ourself.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:37 pm[…] Read the remaining 11 Critical Life Lessons You Didn’t Learn in School […]
September 8th, 2007 at 8:57 am[…] johnplaceonline.com: 21 Critical Life Lessons You Didn’t Learn in School - “14. Passion: School sharpens skills, but seldom taps into your most powerful reserve of all: Passion. If you want to be happy at the top of Maslow’s pyramid, find a job you love.” - Print this out, tape it to the refrigerator, force it upon your children. Via Mike. […]
September 12th, 2007 at 7:28 am[…] John Place: 21 life critical lessons you didn’t learn in school […]
September 19th, 2007 at 7:38 amI read this article with great interest as I am both a teacher and a life coach.
September 28th, 2007 at 4:26 amAs a Life Coach, I recognise the importance of all the points you make here.
As a teacher, there are one or two points which I feel we do teach in schools (especially teamwork and conversation) NB… eye contact is NOT important in conversation, it is a cultural trait not a communication aid.
The vast majority of your points are clearly not taught in schools, which may be a great shame. On the other hand, though, there are a great deal of other skills which are taught in school.
Quite possibly, the skills you mention here are skills which need to be taught and instilled into kids by parents.
Thanks for your comment, Douglas.
But yes, *appropriate* eye contact is both a cultural trait and a communication aid for anyone trying to communicate within said culture. Just try having a conversation with someone who stares at his feet instead of at you and certainly you’ll know what I mean, assuming you have similar cultural presuppositions. It’s the same with other cultural variants, such as “comfort zone” or “a firm handshake” — it’s important to behave in a way that projects the desired level of competence without distracting from or undermining your message with unintended body language.
Of course, I agree with you that these are skills that parents should cover with their children. Absolutely. As I mentioned in this article: “These lessons are not intended to insult teachers or schools, or to suggest curriculum.”
September 28th, 2007 at 11:07 amHello,
thanks so much for all your advice and comments. What attracted me to your website was the artice of American zombies, because i guess it’s something i loathe and fear and as a 19yr old I feel that the World is presurising me into this. It’s as if life has already been planned out for me: go to school get good grades, get a good internship, get a good job, house, husband, have kids, get them into a good school, they go to college etc.This is what well intentiened love ones expect off me but it terrifies me! i want my life to be individual and not the same as everyone elses, there is the potential and oppurtunities to do so many amazing things.i also think, like you, that modern society has set its goals wrong and the above plan is not the best way to life fufilment and satisfaction.
Maybe what also attracted me to your website is my life message, which i have had for a long long time:’grow up and use my skills to try and change things in this World and get people to open their eyes and see how things really are without the spin of the media and culture(eg everyone else is doing it so it’s fine and normal). Basically make people aware of issues I feel are very important, make them think independantly and make them believe they can do something about it, instead of ignoring issues because they think they are unresolvable ie poverty
What annoys me most is how people, humans in the 3rd world are dying and in pain, while we waste our wealth and resources (which could have been used to help them) on unneccesary consumerism, whcih doesn’t make us any happier! In fact it has been shown that we have more oppurtunities, live longer & are wealthier etc than ever before, yet are more unhappy and have more mental illness than ever before. Things need to change.
January 7th, 2008 at 7:57 pmi would love to receive a reply and any comments from you
Thank you again for this website and best wishes
Catherine McNally
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January 10th, 2008 at 7:47 amCatherine,
I’m glad you are enjoying my blog. And I find much agreement with what you’ve written.
My personal philosophy: I don’t worry so much about being unique. I just want to be true to myself. If being true to myself meant I would live the same life as everyone else, that’s what I would do. Realistically, for me, that’s not what it means.
Yes, we live at a point in history where we have more than ever, and yet we’re less happy than ever. Strange as it sounds, part of the problem is our prosperity. Certainly it is better to live in a land of plenty than in a hovel, but there’s no question that the more we obtain, the harder we are to please. It’s human nature. It’s also classic Maslow with twist.
Two of the keys to happiness in the land of plenty are meaning and purpose. It sounds to me like you have a good outlook on the situation, and I am hopeful that you will find what you are looking for in life. Thanks for reading, Catherine! :-)
–John
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June 19th, 2009 at 1:50 amhello john,
Thanks, very interesting and knowledgeble.
I teach my son all these points and hope that my son will also teach all this to his wards.
thanks
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