10 Secrets of a Happy Marriage
Last week, I listed 21 critical life lessons you didn’t learn in school. Today, let’s dig deeper into the first lesson: choosing a spouse; selecting a mate; evaluating a romantic relationship. Â
Bad relationships destroy happiness: just ask the man going through a divorce, the woman questioning her man’s fidelity, or the teenager dodging his girlfriend’s fists.
Why do so many people struggle with love? The reasons are too numerous to cover in this article, but part of the problem is this: We believe love is too mysterious to understand, so we willingly enter into relationships as blind as cave fish.
But love is not too mysterious to understand because we can learn from the romantic achievements of others. Â
Admittedly, marriage is not the goal of every relationship. But if you are thinking about getting married (or just want to know how your relationship stacks up), review these 10 characteristics of a happy marriage, a worthwhile rubric for evaluating the growth potential of any committed relationship. Â
1. Joy: Successful partnerships produce joy. If you don’t enjoy being around your partner, you have a problem. I only wish this bit of sense was as common as it sounds. Â
2. Fidelity: Partners must agree on the terms of fidelity (in most marriages, the agreed upon ideal is monogamy) and adhere to those terms.  You have to know you can trust your partner, and vice versa. Â
3. Loyalty: A house divided cannot stand, no matter if it’s divided by your mother, your best friend, or your children. Your spouse has to be your #1 partner because the two of you form the nucleus of the family and the backbone of the household. If you feel the need to run to your best friend or mother about your relationship, you’ve got work to do, either on yourself or your relationship.
4. Raising Children: Do you want children? If not, make sure your prospective spouse agrees. And unless you’re 100% sure you’ll never have children (on purpose or otherwise), make sure you’re marrying someone who could be a good parent.  Discuss parenting issues before tying the knot: discipline, love, support, involvement, diet, education. If you’re going to make your partner #1, you must be able to trust him or her with your children.
5. Support: An obvious lack of support during good times is a sign of impending doom. But I’ll take it one step further: if you can’t count on your partner to support one of your crazy dreams every now and then, you may have a problem. Enduring love is always more about the partner than the lifestyle.
6. Consideration: Of course, if you want your spouse to support one of your crazy dreams, you must mind the impact of your actions. A delicate balance exists between support and consideration; tread softly and remain generous.
7. Respect and Admiration: Romantic relationships work best if both partners respect and admire each other; if each believes he or she is lucky to have the other.
8. Financial Compatibility: Want to see fireworks? Watch a shopahaulic marry a tightwad, then stand back. Money is a common cause of divorce, but you can limit the damage by discussing financial issues before you marry:  credit cards, debt limits, payment expectations, the whole nine yards. Also, make sure you have enough money to support a marriage.
9. More than Physical: Yes, physical attraction matters. But it’s so easy to mistake physical attraction for love that it’s wise to ask yourself what you would love about your partner if the physical attraction faded.  After all, beauty and youth are fleeting, while the heart and mind endure. A blunt way to confront the issue is to ask yourself a simple question: If you could no longer have sex, would you associate with your partner? Â
10. Love as a Verb: The warm, fuzzy feeling that poets and songwriters have struggled for centuries to define is only one small component of love. Real love is based upon action, not merely emotion. The feelings associated with love are fantastic, but love does its best work as a verb, where each partner constantly works in the best interest of the other.
Some relationships disintegrate because partners change in ways that cannot be anticipated. But my experience tells me that most failed marriages are doomed from the start. In other words, the writing is usually on the wall before the groom ever slides the ring onto his bride’s finger. The 10 characteristics above may not tell the whole story, but if more people considered them, perhaps fewer would divorce.
I’ve also heard it said that marriage is an outdated concept; that we should hurl it into the garbage, discarding it forever. I disagree with this notion too, since I adore the institution of marriage almost as much as I adore my wife. But there’s no question that marriage in the modern world is an institution of convenience and desire rather than necessity.
In other words, if the main reasons for marrying involve personal choice and fulfillment, it makes sense to invest enough time and energy to make a decision you’ll be happy with long-term. And perhaps to evaluate whether you’re ready (or suited) for marriage in the first place. Â
Related Articles:
- 21 Critical Life Lessons You Didn't Learn in School
- Reading Road Signs on the Highway of Life
- How to Disagree and Persuade without Offending
- 4 Bulletproof Strategies for Making Better Decisions
- Resolve Arguments Like a Pro with 7 Proven Techniques
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Wednesday, August 8th, 2007 at 1:22 am under
One slight thing to add to number 7… it’s not just about feeling lucky to have them (although that’s related to what I’m about to say), it’s about feeling like you are with them because that’s what you want, that’s what you choose (emphasis on the present tense here… what you CHOOSE not what you chose). Any time you feel like you’re stuck in a relationship, that you’re not there of your own free will, that’s a glaring warning sign that it needs work.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:06 amExactly. Although I do feel lucky to have my wife, and she feels quite the same. :)
August 8th, 2007 at 10:15 amThat feeling that you just can’t believe your good fortune to have stumbled upon this unique and wonderful person and to have convinced her/him to marry you…
Hey John,
This and other material like it should be required reading for a lot of teenagers today. They DONT get this message from movies and TV, that’s for sure!
The only thing I’d like to squeeze into the top ten is “Religion”, or spiritual views about life’s big questions. I’ve seen this as a big stress-point in relationships. This viewpoint is also key in how a lot of basic life values are shared or in essential conflict. This especially matters during inevitable periods of hardship.
Another comment: Most people are clueless about money, and don’t discuss it nearly enough in during dating or engagement. Thanks for bringing this up.
– Joe
August 8th, 2007 at 2:17 pmGood point about religion, Joe, epecially as it relates to raising children, but also as it relates to the relationship in general, as you’ve indicated.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:28 pmJohn,
August 8th, 2007 at 7:45 pmMonday is my 24th wedding anniversary and I was interested to read your 10 points. Luckily I know we can tick all of them although I sometimes wonder how my wife puts up with some of my traits (especially financial ones) and it reinforces to the points about support and respect.
I’m working in Houston at the moment and my wife is at home in the UK so I won’t be with her on our anniversary but I know that won’t matter as we will definitely enjoy the celebration when we do get together.
Congratulations on your 24th wedding anniversary, John. It’s always good to hear about happy marriages that stand the test of time.
I wish you all the best on the day of your celebration and beyond.
August 9th, 2007 at 2:08 amI would include one rule I have found to make my relationships so much easier. Don’t have too many rules.
I do not think love is an outdated concept, at least for me.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:33 amThanks for the tip, Gene. And just to be clear, none of the items in the list are rules. They’re characteristics. And I agree with you.
August 10th, 2007 at 2:22 amHi John,
I did not mean to imply that your list of desirable characteristics were too numerous. I was just commenting from experience that having too many personal rules can complicate a relationship.
I think that means I agree with you too.
August 10th, 2007 at 5:18 pmSounds good, Gene. :)
August 10th, 2007 at 6:30 pmHi John Your site has been a refreshing and positive experience. As a father of 4 happily married (most of the time;-) My wife and I agreed to be together, come thick or thin and we will! We work at it together. We didn’t have children to increase our friend pool but because we want to pass on a healthy values, beliefs and attitudes we know will help them enjoy life to the fullest as we are. There’s no such thing as luck! We work to achieve the outcome we want! All the way from New Zealand! :-)
August 11th, 2007 at 11:07 pmThanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom, Emile. I appreciate it, and my readers will too! :)
August 12th, 2007 at 2:51 amHonestly Joe, I think we could do without religion in any aspect of our lives.
August 13th, 2007 at 2:29 pmDo we really want to pollute our childrens minds?
Pollute their minds? Religion is a system of beliefs. I am certain that you have a system of beliefs as well. Whether or not you share your system with a lot of other people in an organized way or not is really what separates your system of beliefs from what you call religion.
You may have had bad experiences with certain religions, possibly even all those you have come into contact with, but that doesn’t mean that religion is “mental pollution”. It’s all about what you do with it.
August 13th, 2007 at 2:46 pmJason, I agree with your last post 100%; I could not have said it better myself.
And I believe that Joe’s point was that we should make sure our spiritual beliefs are compatible with our partner’s, whether we’re atheists, Christians, Muslims, or whatever. We don’t have to agree with our partners on every point, but there needs to be some common ground.
August 13th, 2007 at 2:56 pmThank you for the compliment.
August 13th, 2007 at 2:57 pmgood point and good thought,thanks for the compliments.
August 17th, 2007 at 3:59 amI think you are right in raising the point that these are important teachings that teenagers should be aware of.
I myself am 18 and have recently learnt the lesson of unrequited love, after having come out of a two and half year relationship. Something that I’ve realised, no one truely prepares you for. I am at an age where I am still learning how to survive and if I had had such sound advice earlier I would have been better prepared to deal with such a situation. It is true that these life lessons should be taught, but considering the lack of good parenting in the world, possibly education should play a part in delivering?
After reading your article I can understand where things may have gone wrong in my relationship and I am starting to form a more positive image of the person I should be with- someone who has the same life goals and ambitions.
I realise I am just beginning on a long journey of self- discovery and ‘de-conditioning’ if you will, one that I’m sure will embody my whole life. Would anyone have any wisdom on: how to move on, preventing any reduction in self esteem after breaking up and, how one can stop loving a person that simply isn’t right for them.
I understand the power of time upon emotions, but aside from letting the initial bruises subside, I do not wish to become numb as a result.
September 29th, 2007 at 11:26 amHi Anna,
I am sorry to hear about your recent relationship loss. When I was about your age, I went through a very traumatic break up; so I can relate. Like you, I had come to the realization that the person I was with wasn’t right for me. Consequently, she came to the same realization at about the same time. And though we both recognized that our relationship was a disaster and that we were very poorly suited for one another, the break-up was still very unpleasant, with emotional consequences that lasted for years.
At the end of the day, the inward journey of self-discovery and self-actualization is the most important journey of all. Following my break up, I eventually came to realize that my self-worth was not tied to any one particular relationship. It was tied to a much bigger picture perspective of self. It’s important to recognize “why” the previous relationship didn’t work out (including a fair and reasonable analysis of both parties) and then to correct your actions so they more closely resemble your inner ideals. Another benefit of knowing why the relationship didn’t work is that it allows you to seek a better-suited relationship the next time around.
For me, personally, it was important to learn to start relationships with few expectations, to test the waters as I got to know my dates. I finally found the girl of my dreams and never looked back.
On the surface, having a successful romantic relationship boils down to two things: picking the right partner for you, and being the right partner for the person you’ve chosen. But under the hood, it gets a whole lot more complicated. Which is why it certainly makes sense to pick someone who is a natural fit to begin with. This is another reason why it’s critically important to separate your sense of self-worth from your partner — if you rely on a partner to provide your worth, you might rush into an ill-suited relationship just to boost your ego and in the process find yourself in another mess.
Anna, I hope this helps in some small way. Do take care of yourself.
September 29th, 2007 at 12:50 pm[…] Make Time for Romance: If you’ve found the partner of your dreams, keep your relationship solid by demonstrating how much you care. Roses. Chocolates. A thoughtful […]
September 30th, 2007 at 3:42 pm[…] have to realize that there is life after marriage. You can bring a new life and not be tied down a marriage that just can’t work. You need to start the divorce process by admitting that it is truly […]
February 24th, 2008 at 7:31 am[…] Make Time for Romance: If you’ve found the partner of your dreams, keep your relationship solid by demonstrating how much you care. Roses. Chocolates. A thoughtful […]
September 29th, 2008 at 7:00 amplease kindly connect me to Anna for more advise. Thank you.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:14 pmHello Anna,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know how it feels when you are trying to get over someone that you still love. Time does work, but meanwhile I feel there other things that worked for me recently, which I wish I had read when I was your age. I am 36, happily married to an amazing man. My heart has been broken by those that were wrong for me. But how do you know? Things don’t seem so clear in the begining. And most situations, interactions, and courtships in relationships are gray and unclear. I wish they were hardcore solid clear wrong or right, black or while, sharp or dull. They are not. One usually avoids the jerks (mostly easy to spot) but there are those that have some “hidden” jerk traits, they don’t call you or pay attention to you for a week then one day they are all over you with beautiful words that melt you. It is the hot and cold, close and far that kills us. Once you experience the hot and the joy with that guy/man then your bad days seem just waiting for that joy to come back. “I know he loves me, but he is busy, or he is shy, or he just does not like to call”. Please understand the difference in nature between man and woman (and this may not be politically right) but men are hunters and women are gatherers. Men love to persue. Men run after or with a ball for hours to get it over some stick. They love to win with a challenge. Yes we like sports too, but mostly and majorly it is men that just love to persue. Let them persue YOU. Most people may not agree but the two books “the rules” and “he’s just not that into you” really helped me alot to be so happy now with my relationship. And no, there are no games, no playing around or anything like that, just simply understanding and appreciating the nature differences and making the best out of them. PS We are expeccting out first child in March.
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December 24th, 2009 at 6:09 am