How to Stand up to Your Mother when You’re 42 Years Old
Last week, a new reader of mine left a comment saying, “Perhaps at some point in the future, you could write an article on how to stand up to your mother when you’re 42 years old.”
I thought it was a good idea for an article. So here it is.
In many ways, this subject is alien to me. Neither of my parents has ever been particularly overbearing, and I’ve never had any problem standing up to them when necessary.
But I’ve had plenty of second-hand experience with exactly the type of parent that this article is written to address: overbearing, manipulative, controlling, or otherwise way too involved in the lives of their adult children. And I’ve even helped a person or two escape their mother’s shadow, so this is a topic that I understand as a coach, if not a player.
If you have a strained relationship with an overbearing parent, the first thing you’d do well to understand is that your relationship is unique in all the world, which means that one-size-fits-all advice will not apply. The best I can do here is provide some general guidelines and leave it up to you to fill in the blanks.
So with no further ado, here are 7 general guidelines designed to help adults achieve independence from overbearing parents:
1) Stop looking for affirmation:
As a child, you grew up longing for the respect, admiration, and praise of your parents. If you didn’t get it, you may still be looking for it.
Unfortunately, your desire for unconditional love can undermine your attempts to deal with an overbearing parent. Even if you find the courage to stand up for yourself, you may later regret it, fearing rejection and anger from the person you most want to accept you.
A friend of mine has spent most of her adult life seeking her mother’s approval. Unfortunately, every time she goes out of her way to seek approval, she puts her mother in a position of judgment and ends up playing into all the old family dynamics that landed her in this needy mindset to begin with.
First things first. You have to come to terms with a simple reality: you may never receive the affirmation you crave from your parent, and you cannot live your live pandering for it.
As an adult, you need self (not parental) affirmation.
2) Understand that you are part of the problem:
As a child, you were not responsible for the actions of your parents. But the world isn’t fair, and like it or not, once you reach a certain age, you become responsible for the role you play in all your relationships, including your relationship with Mom and Dad.
I’m not implying you should take responsibility for your parents, but rather for the way you interact with them.
3) Draw a hard line between parental advice and parental control:
Before asking an overbearing parent for advice, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.
The right reason: Your parent has vital information, which you need to make a decision.
The wrong reason: You want your parent to approve of a choice you’ve made so you’ll feel better about yourself.
If it really does make sense to ask your parent for advice, proceed, making sure to keep it clear in your own mind that your parent is serving as advisor, not dictator.
Remember, no matter what your parent says, you, as an independent adult, have total control over the amount of influence he or she has over your life.
Conversely, if your parent is the type of person who can’t assume an advisory role, you may have to stop asking for advice altogether.
4) Identify your boundaries:
As adults, it probably doesn’t make sense for us to make a big deal out of every parental transgression. Instead, take some time on your own to make a list of the areas where you feel it’s important to assert your independence.
Are you tired of the way your mother keeps meddling in the lives of your children? If so, write that down. Are you tired of the way your father keeps getting involved in your marriage? Write that down too.
You can throw the list away when you’re done. The purpose of the list is to make note of the battles that are worth fighting so you can let the unimportant ones slide.
5) Declare your boundaries:
If your mother crosses the line and will not relent, make it clear that while you appreciate her advice, you’re an adult and are perfectly capable of handling the situation on your own. Most of the time, there is no need to get into a long, drawn out argument, which brings me to my next bit of advice:
6) Whenever possible, keep arguments short and sweet:
If your father gives his opinion once too often, politely tell him you’ll consider his opinion, and then end the conversation so you can do just that. Most of the time, you won’t even have to mention that you disagree. Remember, once the conversation is over, the decision is yours and yours alone, assuming the matter at hand is under your direct control.
While it may be true that a heated argument may sometimes be productive, by the time you’ve reached middle age, you probably have some idea whether such an argument is worth the trouble.
7) Remember, it’s your life:
If the matter at hand is truly your mother’s business, then she has a right to express herself. She may, in fact, have a right to assert herself. For example, if you’re living in her basement and she wants you to kick your noisy friends out by 10pm so she can sleep, she has every right to say so. And if you’re really 42 years old, she has every right to kick you out too.
But most of the middle-aged adults having trouble with overbearing parents have long since gained their financial independence. The next step? Well, if this article has been an interesting read for you up to this point, it’s quite likely that emotional independence is the next stop on your train of personal improvement.
It’s your life. Don’t let anyone else live it for you.
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Thursday, January 17th, 2008 at 10:59 pm under
Well, I didn’t expect that. Good advice all. Thank you. Where were you ten years ago when I was processing through most of this? I’m clearly still working my way through number four.
Many years ago, a friend of mine once gave me good advice concerning dealing with my mother. “It doesn’t matter how old you get, your mother doesn’t hear you asking her for advice. Nor does she understand you’re just sharing what’s going on in your life with her. She hears you seeking permission. She told you what to do, when to go to bed, what to wear, and what to eat for eighteen years of your life. That’s not an easy habit to break.” It made it substantially easier to know what to share with her and what to keep to myself as we were working our way through a complicated mother-daughter relationship to the more equal status of mother-daughter friendship.
January 20th, 2008 at 2:15 amGlad you enjoyed it, Mary. Also, thanks for sharing the advice your friend gave you. It’s excellent.
January 20th, 2008 at 9:27 amThank You very much! I was seeking for it desperately… Thank You…
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February 23rd, 2008 at 9:08 pmNote to Dwayne: go pollute someone else’s blog.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 pmThis article was interesting. What if your mother lives with you and your family and has no where else to go? How do you keep control of your house hold and your space and keep your cool when you are around your mom for most of the day?
May 7th, 2008 at 1:03 pm[…] Some of us a born to be leaders while some get trained to be one. Either way, the role of the leader is one that is tough and arduous. This is the reason why majority of us would not want to take up any form of leadership role because of the fear of the inability to cope with the immense responsibility. […]
June 12th, 2008 at 10:23 pmI am 36 years old and am out of a job and am living at home.My relationship with my mother has always been a little contentious.She has reverted back to treating me like a child.I’m having trouble setting limits.I’m a lot less confident living at home and feel like a kid.Does anyone have any good advice?
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:59 amI believe its best to stay patient with our parents no matter what, as roles are reversed when we get old too, and act like children once again, so yet again we will be treated the way we treated our parents, so be kind always………….
March 31st, 2009 at 3:15 am[…] you have self confidence to be able to not be afraid of rejection and just go into a situation and do all you can. The process of learning is very much taken from […]
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 amThank you so much! It’s obvious now but before I didn’t realize how much I have been seeking approval and validation from my mom all of this time. I can’t change her but I can change me!
July 21st, 2009 at 6:26 pmThese things are indeed helpful but at the same time kind of make me laugh actually… In all the endless years I’ve had to deal with my mother none of them have ever really worked. You can try all these things but still she’ll find a way to get attention and gain control… collapsing in the middle of a mall for example or braking the dishwasher, or telling you that the answering machine does not record messages anymore. Not to mention that she’s had a daily migraine for the last 38 years, that includes neck pain, rotten knees, and the distinct “knowing” that her digestive system hasn’t really worked since 1946. When you manage to take her attention away from all these “curses” (otherwise the conversation will go on endlessly since a solution is out of the question… you see, she’s not interested in finding treatments or cures to the problems since she knows that none of these chronic ailments have cures anyway, it was just her daily reminder that she’s been chronically ill for 40 plus years…) then her cat comes next with all kind of diseases diagnosed by her that the vet ($250 blood and urine tests) never heard of … When we brought the cat home knowing he was fine, she “remembered” that his “teeth hurt” (although the vet checked his mouth and said he just had a bit of tar.. she insisted he didn’t check them) and for the first time we knew why she had asked for groceries loans… she’d been shopping and throwing away the “wrong food” until she finds the “right” brand for the last 6 months. On top of that she keeps reminding you also that her memory is gone, so if you say she said something yesterday that proves inconvenient she’ll look at you in absolute shock and disbelief while at the same time swearing she never did… when you ask her if -maybe- she doesn’t remember (since she said her “memory is gone”…) she’ll accuse you of trying to mess with her head by assuring you that one thing she DOES remember… and that is that she didn’t say what you’re saying she said yesterday… Add to that ” I wished I never had you, you think I don’t know that you’ve never loved me…?”
Welcome to hell folks! Can’t wait until you give advise on how to deal with the devil…
August 2nd, 2009 at 2:42 amThanks so much for this article. I am 34 years old and I am dealing with alot of these same issues. Your statement at the very end however sealed what I secretly already knew. It is your life, don’t let someone else live it. My problems with my mother go beyond any of these things you wrote about I just wish somone was out there that could tell me how to deal with the mother who gets angry when you don’t invite her on family getaways and you invite your best friend instead.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pmNO WAY! I finally stumbled upon this page! I’ve been searching this post for so long!!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:51 pmHello. This is kind of an “unconventional” question , but have other visitors asked you how get the menu bar to look like you’ve got it? I also have a blog and am really looking to alter around the theme, however am scared to death to mess with it for fear of the search engines punishing me. I am very new to all of this …so i am just not positive exactly how to try to to it all yet. I’ll just keep working on it one day at a time Thanks for any help you can offer here.
January 27th, 2010 at 7:33 am